Making better Choices

Or

How to Stop Betraying Yourself

For instance, the woman who wanted to go back to school to finish her degree so she could have a career doing work she loved, but who didn’t register for classes because her husband and family told her it was a waste of money and an indication that she felt she was better than the rest of them.  And yeah, there was a waste involved, but not a waste of money, rather a waste of her talent and passion and desire to make a bigger difference in the world.  It was a betrayal of herself in favor of the opinions of others. 

Or the woman who tolerated her boyfriend’s bigoted attitudes even though they were so disturbing, actually repulsive, to her and in total opposite to her own ideas.  She allowed his negative, even hateful, perspective to fill their home with a dark and heavy energy, something that was painful for her, but she didn’t speak up or express her own feelings because she knew it would change things between them and she was afraid of being alone.

And the lady who stayed in a job that drained her of energy and didn’t pay enough because every time she talked about leaving and doing something she knew would lead to the happiness she wanted, the people she talked with reminded her that her responsibility was to stay in the job so she could at least keep a roof over her family’s head (implying that a job that made her unhappy was the only way she could take care of her family).

Why are women so inclined to give up their own dreams in favor of the opinions, largely uninformed, of others? A couple of things come to mind right away – when we learn to believe that other people’s ideas are more important, more valid, than our own, we will bow to those ideas even if they make us uncomfortable and leave us feeling a bit like trying on someone else’s clothes that simply don’t fit.

And, of course, there’s that pesky fear that doing what we know is right for us instead of taking someone else’s advice might result in losing the love and friendship of that person.  That honoring ourselves might have us ending up alone and lonely.  Here let me respectfully suggest that those who really love us want us to become all we can become, to follow our own path even if it’s different from the path they are on. Respecting ourselves can result in even greater respect from those who truly love us; and those whose love and friendship are shallow and self-serving will fall out of our lives and make room for more members of our true tribe.

Another reason women are often too flexible, giving in to suggestions and even demands from those who only know what’s best for themselves is that so many of us learn, even as little girls, to feel that we are “less than”, not worthy, inadequate, not as good/intelligent/powerful as those around us, including those who give us advice and like to evaluate, criticize, and judge lives they know little about.  When the only basis for criticism from others is that we are not like them, their criticism may deserve to be respectfully ignored.

Of course we can learn from each other.  We can find role models whose guidance can help us to become more of who we are meant to be.  But true role models guide with love and respect, not criticism and judgment.  And we can be role models ourselves, learning to guide and encourage others with love, respect, and wisdom.  The most important element in either following or leading, however, is first and foremost learning to love and respect ourselves, honoring ourselves instead of taking on the opinions and attitudes of others that often do not make allowances for our own uniqueness. 

So how do we learn to trust our own feelings and our own intuitive wisdom, that small voice deep inside that knows who we really are and that will never lead us in the wrong direction?  A good way to start is to ask ourselves a very important and revealing question any time we are faced with a choice, a decision, or outside pressure that may not fit with who we really want to be:

If I truly loved and respected myself, what would I say or do in this situation?

A simple question, perhaps, but one that goes quickly to the heart of any situation in which we feel unsure of our best course of action.  And that’s the goal-  learning to truly love and respect yourself in every situation.  When a woman lives from a place and attitude of deep self-respect and self-love, she will make decisions and choices that quietly express and demonstrate her respect, and that assist her to live a life that honors the very best version of herself. And when she respects herself in this way, others will respect her as well.