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Yeah, you do get to have what you want

Tinogona – a term from the Shona language of Zimbabwe that translates as “yes, your dreams are achievable”.

Another way we might express this powerful (and sometimes difficult to believe) truth – “Yeah, you DO get to be/do/have what you want”. The impact of this simple statement is breathtaking – when we choose to trust its verity, the certainty of it, and apply it to our lives. But how often do we do that?

The tendency, especially for women, is to look at our dreams, then consider that simple statement (yes, yours dreams are achievable) and say “yeah, but that doesn’t work for me. You don’t understand, my situation is different/too complicated/too painful/too disappointing, and maybe other people’s dreams can happen, but not mine”. And that’s often when we descend into a pale, even anemic shadow of what our lives could be.

But living “less than” what we are designed for is not our birthright. Take, for example, the story of Tereria Trent who grew up in Zimbabwe and at age 11 was promised to an abusive man in her village, and at age 14 was married off to him by her family. Lots of abuse and fear, and by the time she was 18 she already had 3 kids (and there were more to follow). Sounds like a hopeless situation, however she had a dream – to come to the US and get an education for herself and her babies.

Again, sounds hopeless; so many obstacles to overcome, so few resources. But the dream was stronger than the barriers and, to make a long and moving story shorter, she got out of the village and the marriage, brought all 5 of her children to the US, and eventually earned a Ph.D. and has been living her dream ever since.

We’ll explore what kept her going and kept the dream alive in a subsequent post. Suffice it to say, she’s a brilliant example and demonstration of the truth of “tinogona”. She chose to accept the fact that her dream was, indeed, achievable and, as a result of that belief, she overcame huge challenges and made it happen. So how does it feel when you apply tinagona to your own dreams, your own life? What if it IS true?

What if those things you dream about, fantasize about, imagine you could be, do, or have ARE possible and available to you? What will you do with that truth?

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Making better Choices

Or

How to Stop Betraying Yourself

For instance, the woman who wanted to go back to school to finish her degree so she could have a career doing work she loved, but who didn’t register for classes because her husband and family told her it was a waste of money and an indication that she felt she was better than the rest of them.  And yeah, there was a waste involved, but not a waste of money, rather a waste of her talent and passion and desire to make a bigger difference in the world.  It was a betrayal of herself in favor of the opinions of others. 

Or the woman who tolerated her boyfriend’s bigoted attitudes even though they were so disturbing, actually repulsive, to her and in total opposite to her own ideas.  She allowed his negative, even hateful, perspective to fill their home with a dark and heavy energy, something that was painful for her, but she didn’t speak up or express her own feelings because she knew it would change things between them and she was afraid of being alone.

And the lady who stayed in a job that drained her of energy and didn’t pay enough because every time she talked about leaving and doing something she knew would lead to the happiness she wanted, the people she talked with reminded her that her responsibility was to stay in the job so she could at least keep a roof over her family’s head (implying that a job that made her unhappy was the only way she could take care of her family).

Why are women so inclined to give up their own dreams in favor of the opinions, largely uninformed, of others? A couple of things come to mind right away – when we learn to believe that other people’s ideas are more important, more valid, than our own, we will bow to those ideas even if they make us uncomfortable and leave us feeling a bit like trying on someone else’s clothes that simply don’t fit.

And, of course, there’s that pesky fear that doing what we know is right for us instead of taking someone else’s advice might result in losing the love and friendship of that person.  That honoring ourselves might have us ending up alone and lonely.  Here let me respectfully suggest that those who really love us want us to become all we can become, to follow our own path even if it’s different from the path they are on. Respecting ourselves can result in even greater respect from those who truly love us; and those whose love and friendship are shallow and self-serving will fall out of our lives and make room for more members of our true tribe.

Another reason women are often too flexible, giving in to suggestions and even demands from those who only know what’s best for themselves is that so many of us learn, even as little girls, to feel that we are “less than”, not worthy, inadequate, not as good/intelligent/powerful as those around us, including those who give us advice and like to evaluate, criticize, and judge lives they know little about.  When the only basis for criticism from others is that we are not like them, their criticism may deserve to be respectfully ignored.

Of course we can learn from each other.  We can find role models whose guidance can help us to become more of who we are meant to be.  But true role models guide with love and respect, not criticism and judgment.  And we can be role models ourselves, learning to guide and encourage others with love, respect, and wisdom.  The most important element in either following or leading, however, is first and foremost learning to love and respect ourselves, honoring ourselves instead of taking on the opinions and attitudes of others that often do not make allowances for our own uniqueness. 

So how do we learn to trust our own feelings and our own intuitive wisdom, that small voice deep inside that knows who we really are and that will never lead us in the wrong direction?  A good way to start is to ask ourselves a very important and revealing question any time we are faced with a choice, a decision, or outside pressure that may not fit with who we really want to be:

If I truly loved and respected myself, what would I say or do in this situation?

A simple question, perhaps, but one that goes quickly to the heart of any situation in which we feel unsure of our best course of action.  And that’s the goal-  learning to truly love and respect yourself in every situation.  When a woman lives from a place and attitude of deep self-respect and self-love, she will make decisions and choices that quietly express and demonstrate her respect, and that assist her to live a life that honors the very best version of herself. And when she respects herself in this way, others will respect her as well. 

Life-giving or Life-sucking – your choice

I have somehow found myself on a list for a blog that’s very disturbing, and from which I will remove myself.  The writer of this blog appears to be committed to finding and presenting everything in life that could possibly demonstrate the dark side, the hopelessness and despair, the victimhood and powerlessness,  and the anxiety about and hatred/fear of, well, pretty much everything, including women. I read the first post that arrived in my  inbox and decided that maybe it was just a tough day for  the writer, and that things would soon begin to sound better. But, no, no better, only worse.

I have asked myself how this individual sees a very different world that I do.  I have had at least my share of pain, loss, violence, betrayal, rejection and other elements that seem to be part of the human experience, but yet I have not chosen to allow those experiences to shape my perspective.  Life on earth is not easy, granted; but life in the soul-sucking land of despair and rage is much more difficult.

Often, it seems, people learn to believe that sorrow, anger, and despair are indications of greater depth than joy and hopefulness; that being joyful and focused on what IS working instead of what isn’t, is shallow and foolish, maybe even stupid and naïve.  But the truth is that there is nothing noble, profound, or meaningful in a negative perspective.  Remember that what we focus on grows to fill our entire view of life, and our view of life dictates how we perceive, interpret, and respond to everything in and around us.  A negative perspective simply brings more (and often dangerous) negativity to a planet that doesn’t need more negativity.  

“But are you suggesting that I ignore the difficult and sometimes tragic things going on around me? Shouldn’t I be aware of those things instead of pretending they don’t exist?” I can hear some asking.  And, of course, I’m not suggesting ignorance of the things that make life on earth more challenging and even painful.  Ignorance is only bliss until it catches up with us, and at that point we have to deal with what we’ve been avoiding, but by then it’s gotten even bigger and worse.

What I am suggesting is that there is always a “gift” in every situation, something to learn, to gain a better understanding of, to become more of the best version of ourselves as a result.  We can always choose (and it is a choice) to find and focus on that gift while taking positive steps to address the things we know need to change within and around us. There is no contradiction here – recognizing the need for change and acting in a positive way to facilitate that change is where we find noble intention.

Psychologists often explain that 80% of our thoughts tend to be negative, and that the brain is wired to seek out the negative, perhaps a throwback to primitive times when we were surrounded by dangers, and awareness of those dangers was essential to our survival.  However these are different times. Danger abounds, yes, but we are better equipped to handle and address those dangers, and constant vigilance and fear are not so necessary in order to thrive.  

So maybe we could try an experiment for a week or so; maybe we could, instead of looking for and reacting to the negative in and around us, we could look for one thing of beauty, kindness, humor in each situation in which we find ourselves.  Or maybe just one time each day- beauty, kindness, humor.  The gift in every situation can heal and can become a new and much more meaningful way of life.

Give it a shot – you’ve got nothing to lost and perhaps a great deal to gain.

You Can Resolve or You Can Decide – Which one can change your life?

So the new year has begun and all over the world resolutions are being made – and the majority of those resolutions will never be accomplished.

A great place to see this in action is at the gym where, on January 2, crowds of people who haven’t seen the inside of a health club maybe ever and who haven’t worked out for most of the previous year suddenly show up in
their workout clothes, having made that all-too-familiar resolution to finally lose the weight and get into shape. The gym stays crowded with these fervent health worshippers for about a month, maybe 6 weeks, until the pursuit of trim hips and toned muscles becomes just way too much to continue.

And, as suddenly as it began, the crowds melt away and only the hard-core individuals remain. I’ve seen it in so many other situations – the “this is the year that I will________________ for good” New Year’s resolution syndrome.

Fill in the blank, maybe it’s quit drinking too much, quit an unhappy job or leave an unhappy relationship, lose the weight, give up unhealthy habits, start saving money, and the list goes on. And, many if not the majority of them won’t last past the moment at which following through becomes less
rewarding and less entertaining than sliding back into the old ways.

So why is it so difficult to make our resolutions our reality?

The answer is actually pretty simple – we tend to form resolutions around the things we think we should do rather than the things that are truly important to us. It goes back to a question I suggested in an earlier post, “how much do you want it?”. We seem to lose interest fairly quickly in the things we feel obligated to do, and we tend to stay motivated in the pursuit of those things that we genuinely want.

Rather than struggling to conquer the treadmill and do battle with the stationary bike (insert your own resolution here), it might serve to explore the “meta goal” (remember that term from an earlier post?). There is always a deeper or meta goal behind the goal we present to the world and to ourselves.

What is it that I want to accomplish through going to the gym several times a week? Nicer body? Well, what do I want to experience from having a better looking body? More positive attention? And what do I want to have through getting more positive attention? Greater confidence?

At a point in this exploration it becomes clear that there is nothing deeper coming up. If, as in this example, greater confidence is the meta goal (what you’re really seeking), then it’s time to research the other ways, the myriad ways to develop confidence. And there’s always another way. Deciding rather than resolving to change something in your life can transform everything if you want it enough to make it happen and to follow through until that transformation becomes your new reality.

So what is it that you really want, and how much do you want it? Enough to believe in yourself and stick with it until you get what you want?

“I Had No Choice. . . . . Really? “

I hear this a lot, that the actions taken by an individual were, in a
sense, forced upon that individual; that there had been no other
action possible, no other choice available. But the truth is that in
every situation we face there are numerous, maybe hundreds of
other possible reactions or responses we could have chosen.
Some of those alternatives might seem silly or unproductive, but
the bottom line is that we are always at a choice point, whatever
the circumstances.

The choices we make will determine the quality of the
experiences we have, the quality of the relationships we develop,
and the perspective by which we see, interpret, and respond to
life. We can choose to feel resentment, bitterness, fear, suspicion,
and other toxic emotions and, as a result, to lash out
inappropriately or push well-meaning people away or assume that
others are out to get us; or, we can choose to look for (and find)
the good in life, the beauty around us, and the people who can
enhance the quality of our lives if we allow it.

We are always at a choice point. I am reminded of a gentleman
who was born with a rare condition which left him with no arms
or legs – he is a head and a torso. From the moment he was old
enough to make choices he could have chosen to feel sorry for
himself, to feel like a victim. But instead he chose to look for the
ways in which he could use his unique situation to make a
difference in the lives of other people. He became a motivational
speaker helping his audiences move through difficult
circumstances.

What made the difference between this man and those who
wallow in perceived victimhood? Choice. That’s all – he made a
different choice. And his choice has allowed him to live well while
helping many others. The point is that there are always other
choices, other and often better ways to respond to and deal with
whatever we’re facing. It’s up to us to find those other choices
and to apply them in life-giving ways.

An excellent question to ask on a daily basis and sometimes more
than once a day is “how do I choose to show up today or in this
situation? Do I choose to show up as the angry and vengeful
person who does more damage than good, or do I choose to show
up as a person who prefers to bring her/his inherent excellence,
wisdom, and peace to whatever is going on in and around me and
to use those qualities to make a positive difference in the world?”
The choice is always yours.

You Don’t Always Get What You Want, but. …..

So you may have had the disappointing experience of using what
you understand as the Law of Attraction, and not seeing anything
that resembles the result you thought you would enjoy. “This
doesn’t work, this is a scam, and I never get what I want” may
have been your response. And we’ve all been there, looking for a
specific result, having been told how easy it is to get what you
want, and then. . . . . .nothing even close.

And yeah, the way the Law of Attraction is presented by most
books/teachers/celebrities is lacking and only part of the story.
But the truth is that we are always attracting things, people, and
experiences to ourselves because our thoughts and emotions
carry energy and that energy is magnetic, drawing to us whatever
matches the energy we put out into the world. The problem for
most is that what gets attracted isn’t what they want. So how
does that work?

The truth is that so often when we’re not getting what we want,
we are, instead, getting what we truly expect to get. Perhaps you
know what I mean – that time when you told yourself and anyone
else who would listen that this time you were going to make it
happen, make more money, lose the weight, find real love, get a
better job, etc. And your conscious mind really believed it, every
word, but at a deeper level, the level of the subconscious which is
always running the show even though we think we are so very
conscious, there was a quiet little voice, or maybe it was a
tightening in your gut, something that said “That’s bullshit.
You’ve never been able to (fill in the blank with what you want),
and what makes you think it will happen now? You’d better face
the fact that what you have now and who you are now is the best

you’re going to get. This situation will turn out the same way all
your situations turn out, and it’s stupid to hope for something
better. That’s just not the plan for you”. And there’s the
expectation, that what you’ll get is what you’ve always gotten
instead of what you want.

Between the conscious mind and the subconscious mind the
subconscious will always win. When we look for something new,
something better than and way beyond what we’ve had so far,
the subconscious will typically work hard to protect us from the
disappointment and/or danger that it figures may be lurking in
the unknown. “Yeah,” it says as you consider that new thing you
want to try, “your current situation isn’t great, but it’s familiar and
therefore safe. Let’s stick with what we know. . . . .” and, again,
there’s the expectation, that you’re stuck with what you’ve
known in the past and nothing more.

The subconscious only knows what it has known which is why it
focuses on what you’ve already experienced rather than the
unlimited range of things possible for you. The key to opening to
a wide range of new things is to give the subconscious a taste of
what else is possible beyond what it knows from your past. This
can be done in many ways including a visualization you
experience with all your senses (feeling it makes it yours),
affirmations done in a specific way, tiny baby steps that give the
subconscious new information, and many other easy and effective
ways to re-program that most powerful part of your mind. I know
this works because I do this work with my women clients and,
also, with myself.

The only time you’re stuck is when you’re stuck in your head. Is it
time to get unstuck so you can move forward toward better
things?

It’s All in Your Head . . . . really

It’s easy, and common, to blame our feelings and the general state of our lives on other people or on our circumstances, easy and an effective way to avoid taking responsibility for what we’re experiencing.
But the truth is that the things that happen to us only have the meaning we give to them. And there are numerous ways we can choose (and it IS a choice) to interpret our situation and respond to that
situation. The way we choose to understand determines how we will respond and what we will make of that situation. And the way we choose to respond determines how we feel. So, it really is all in your head.

Case in point – a while back a large organization hired me to work with very high level individuals who were about to be laid off due to a merger. These were people who had been with the organization for many years, and who were in some cases over 50 and possibly headed for a long and challenging job search process. One day the first gentleman I worked with had been there for 18 years and had risen to a very high Director level. He had a large mortgage and 3 kids, 2 of whom were in college with expensive tuition expenses. When I asked how he was doing after having been notified that he was no longer employed, his response was “How do you think I’m doing? I spent almost 20 years there, gave them my time and my skills and most of my life. And this is the thanks I get. I’ll probably lose my house and my wife will probably leave me. They have ruined my life; I should go back there and shoot all of them”. Fortunately he didn’t do that.

The next man who came in to work with me (same basic situation, Director position with 18 years with the company, mortgage, car payments, kids in college), in response to the same question (“how are you doing?”) responded very differently. “I’m feeling great! For the first time in years I slept through the night, woke up feeling good and relaxed, and I can’t wait to get started creating the next stage of my life! I haven’t been happy there for a while but I didn’t have the motivation to leave, and now they’ve helped me move on and with a year of severance to boot! I should write these guys a thank you note!”

This is a great example of the power we have to make what we want of whatever we are facing. These 2 gentlemen were in pretty much the same situation; but one chose to see it as a disaster, and the other as an opportunity. The only difference was in how each one chose to interpret the circumstances, and therefore how to respond to them.

This applies to all of us, no matter what life throws at us. There is always a choice available to us. A good question, when facing something that could be difficult, even painful if we allow it, is “How can I use this situation to move myself forward? There’s an opportunity here somewhere, and I will find it.”

In the above example, the first guy said “there’s nothing I can do; I’m a victim, I have no power”. The second guy said “Wow! I can use this time to figure out what I want to do next. What a great and unexpected opportunity and I will make good use of it.” Same circumstance, different mindset. And the mindset of each of them shaped the next part of their lives.

We can choose (and, again, it IS a choice)a perspective that fills and overwhelms us with fear, anger, anxiety, and resentment; or we can choose to view life in a way that invites peace, joy, love, and a parade of new and meaningful experiences and relationships. At each moment we are at a choice point, and it’s all up to us. Again, you are in control.

So it really is in your head. How do you choose to see your life? How do you want to feel? The two are deeply connected, and you get to decide.

The Romance of Cooking Together (Thanks to Leslie Wright for these great tips!)

Here are 6 tips for the couple who are cooking together for the first time.

1. Pick a Recipe Together

As you are going to work together, you will need to talk about the meal beforehand. So, the first thing you need to do is to decide what you can cook together. Of course, you may want to try something new. But, make sure you pick something up that both of you can cook. You can try to think of some new little twist on an old recipe that you both like. Your partner may enjoy cooking, and he may not be bad at it. However, unlike you, cooking skills may not come naturally to him. Or perhaps it is the other way. In any case, pick up a simple recipe that requires minimum preparation time and ingredients. You don’t want to spend all your evening cooking. After all, you need to reserve some energy to spend a romantic time together after the meal. But, make sure to pick up a recipe that you can enjoy with a glass of wine. Light fish dishes, cheesy recipes, sweet-spicy barbecue foods, and foods with earthy flavor are usually great for a variety of wines and champagnes. You can search the internet for a good recipe while sipping wine together. It’s just another excuse to spend more time together.

2. Shop Together

Once you have decided what you are going to cook, the next step is to buy the ingredients. Try to buy fresh ingredients as this is a special occasion. Of course, the latest trend is to buy all the stuff online and get it delivered at your doorstep. However, it is so much better to drive to the nearest supermarket and pick up everything you need together. That way you can spend more time together. Plus, you get to enjoy the thrill of doing something together as a couple. But, shopping together also means you can talk about your cook and the rest of the day and plan to be together. It also gives you the opportunity to discuss how much you can spend on the special cook, especially if some of the ingredients are more expensive than you imagined. Shopping together means you can keep track of how much you are spending on extras. And yes, apart from the grocery, don’t forget to pick up some flowers and scented candles.

3. Take the Lead According to Your Strengths

Cooking as a couple doesn’t necessarily mean you have to share all the responsibilities equally. It is highly unlikely that both of you will have the same set of culinary skills. While you both may love food and cooking, one of you is more comfortable with cooking meat while other can work wonders with veggies. One of you may be remarkably familiar with Asian spices and sauces while other is into deserts. So, find out your cooking strengths and weaknesses, and take the lead accordingly. It is better when one of you is in charge while the other is in a supporting role. For example, if your partner is a genius with fish, let him take the lead in preparing the salmon while you get busy making a salad or sides. Dividing your responsibilities beforehand will also help reduce the stress in the kitchen.

4. Include Finger Foods

You don’t have to plan a three-course meal, especially if you are looking for the first time together. However, do try to make a few nibbles or snacks beside the main dish. A plateful of finger food is easy to prepare and is less time-consuming. The notable advantage of finger food is that it allows you to stretch your romantic evening longer. You can share finger food while sipping your favorite wine and talking. Thus, it is the best accompaniment for a romantic dinner. You can also take a break after you have nibbled on the snacks, maybe try a few dance moves, and then go back to the main course. That’s certainly better than sitting down for a big meal that leaves little room for dining table romance.

5. Set the Mood

Cooking together is not just chopping veggies and boiling eggs together. It is all about setting up the romantic mood that encourages you to make a move. Sure, your kitchen is small and messy, and it is not the most romantic place in your house. But who says you need music, candles, lights, and flowers only when you are dining? You can line up these fantastic four while you are cooking right in your kitchen. You do not have to spend a fortune, only pick up a few flowers and scented candles. Turn your TV and laptops off (while you are at it keeping your mobiles switched off is also a great idea) and remove any other potential distractions. The purpose is to focus your and your partner’s full attention on the cooking and what comes after. Alternatively, you can also set up a table for two and adorn it with a beautiful tablecloth, flowers, and candles. Be sure to plan the romantic set up ahead of time so you can focus on cooking together. Remember, mood comes before food.

6. Avoid Heavy Meals

Do you want to finish off your first cooking experience together dozing in front of the TV instead of romantic time in your bed? If not, you should avoid cooking a heavy dish for such a special occasion. Heavy and greasy meals laden with butter, cream, sugar, and fat often make you drowsy. Unfortunately, buttery and fat rich food taste very good. So, you will end up eating and drinking too much, which doesn’t feel very sexy. Protein-rich meats such as pork and beef and dairy-based dinners won’t help your sex-drive. Instead, you should prepare light meals consisting of aphrodisiacs. Aphrodisiac foods increase your sex-drive. Some of them are asparagus, celery, watermelon, pomegranates, avocado, oysters, honey, chocolate, and spicy stuff such as chili peppers among others. These foods will definitely put you in the mood for lovemaking.

Parting Words

Cooking together is one of the best ways to spice up your romantic life. It’s the easiest way to feel connected emotionally as well as physically. Hopefully, these 6 tips will help you make your first ever cook as a couple more romantic than ever. However, to make all your efforts worth it, have fun while cooking, crack some jokes, flirt a little, and have a lovely night.

This Is Your Memory On Love

Remember those “your brain on drugs” awareness posters? You can essentially substitute “love” for “drugs” and the same warnings apply. Scientists have found that being in love actually makes you activate some of the same brain regions as when you take addictive drugs, like ecstasy or cocaine.

Neuroscientist Kayo Takahashi and his team have described passionate love as an “all-encompassing experience” which has “disorienting effects” and is generally considered “highly pleasurable”. While you probably don’t need a bunch of scientists to tell you that, you probably do need them to explain what that actually means in the brain.

2015 Kayo and his team were keen on exploring the role of one particular culprit of the feel-good effects of love, the neurotransmitter. Among many other effects, dopamine generally makes us feel pleasure. Kayo and his team looked into the brains of people who were in the early stages of romantic relationships, and they found that when shown pictures of their romantic partners, participants experienced a flood of dopamine to parts of their brains. As it turns out, brains need to release dopamine in order to store long-term memories.

Stimulated

Researchers found that injecting people with a compound that makes the brain create more dopamine can lead to memory improvements. In other words, if we artificially make people generate more dopamine, they perform better on memory tasks than those who don’t get a dopamine boost. So, let’s put these two things together. Love-drunk you creates more dopamine, and more dopamine generally means better memory.

This might be part of the reason why we can be so good at remembering the details of a romantic date, the first words of affection whispered by a new partner, or the sweet way a lover brushes their hair back. New experiences, combined with an increased level of alertness, and a flood of dopamine together should make our brains on love more effective at making memories.

Of course, as with everything, moderation is key. Too much dopamine is bad for you, as it can create memory impairment. This is where love and drugs generally differ. Drugs are hyper-stimulants than give you an explosion of dopamine that you would never otherwise produce. This hyper stimulation is generally seen as negative. For example, research has repeatedly found that users of the “love drug” Ecstasy have impaired memory skills. Chronic use of drugs that change how our brains make and use dopamine have also been linked to permanent brain disruptions such as Schizophrenia and Parkinson’s.

Forever and ever?

If brains are generally better at making memories when they are in love, do these memories last untainted forever and ever? Of course not.

Memories are never perfect, and they can even be entirely fictitious. Research on so-called false memories has shown that memory distortions can exist for highly emotional memories, including for positive events. For example in a study from 2008 by Stephen Porter and colleagues 41.7% of participants created false memories of positive and funny events, falsely believing that they witnessed things portrayed by the Canadian media that never actually happened.

In good times and bad

Memories of love, and things that happened while we were in love, can also be severely distorted during the course of a relationship or after a relationship ends.

During the course of a relationship, for example, research shows that those who trust their partners remember the bad things their partner did more positively than those who have low trust. In other words, when we trust our partner, we have a bias that makes us remember them more fondly. Low trust partners are the opposite, remembering more transgressions a partner has made, remembering the transgressions more negatively, and remembering the consequences of unwanted behaviour as more devastating. Trust, it seems, changes how our brains on love process memories.

The complex emotions that are activated during and after romantic relationships mean that biases can infiltrate our love-related memory processes in an incredible number of ways. This means that the relationship between love and memory is, well, it’s complicated.

Overall, love is probably good for your memory, so science approves of you being crazy in love whenever you want.

Food For Comfort

When my daughter was a baby she developed the habit of sucking her thumb, especially when she was tired or upset. It seemed to make her feel better. Members of my family were worried that she would damage the development of her jaw or that she would continue the behavior for years, and be bullied for it.  I spoke to the doctor, and his response was a surprise – “let her do it,” he said. “There is precious little comfort in life, and if that simple act helps her feel better, allow her that comfort. She will outgrow it but she will be happier and calmer because of such a simple thing.”

He was right, of course, and his words made me think.  Yeah, life is unpredictable, challenging, sometimes lonely or sad.  It’s also joyful, exciting, full of love and passion and unexpected wonders.  But there are those other times…….

Because of the very nature of life on this planet, it behooves us to find sources of comfort, things/activities/people who can temper and soften the sometimes-hard edges and help us get replenished with the energy and courage we need to keep moving toward the lives we want to live.  So how do we do that in ways that don’t cause us more problems, that don’t complicate our often already complicated lives?

Comfort food is a great way to pamper the palate and comfort the soul!

Comfort food is food that gives emotional comfort and a feeling of well-being. These foods may bring back memories of happy childhood experiences, or the emotional security that can come with home cooking that reminds us of people we love, maybe peace, love, and joy from times in the past. And, as we’ve said before, cooking food that helps people feel better is a great way to say “I love you”.

Popular comfort foods may be high in sugar and calories because ingesting sugar releases insulin and endorphins such as dopamine and serotonin which can, temporarily, generate a feeling of happiness and even greater calm. This can feel really comforting, but is followed typically by a sugar crash, so please monitor the amount of sugar you take in and protect yourself against that nearly inevitable crash. This can explain why eating chocolate is so comforting. . . . until you eat too much and begin to feel worse. Many desserts count as comfort food because of the sugar content, however there are textures that are also comforting – creamy textures are high on the list – think pudding, cream cheese, whipped cream, etc., those foods that make you feel like you’ve been wrapped in a warm blanket by someone who loves you.

But don’t despair! There are so many foods that bring comfort and calm that don’t assault your body with too much sugar. Popular choices include pot roast, chicken, pasta, fresh vegetables and fruit, the things that take you back to happy times and happy memories. For example, maybe it’s your grandma’s green bean casserole and how it was always served at Thanksgiving when the whole family gathered to give thanks. Or was it her chocolate cake that, when baking, made the whole house smell like love and safety? What is it for you?

If you haven’t already done this, make a list of the foods that you gravitate toward when you need a bit of comfort, the foods that simply make you feel better. Keep this list close and refer to it when your life is just too demanding and you need a simple comfort.

Tell us about your favorite comfort foods and we’ll share some of them in our next blog post. We want to know what makes you feel better, maybe it can help someone else too! Send us an email at custcare.bellavita@gmail.com and put Comfort Foods in the subject line. We’ll read every email you send!

Natural Food; Bringing People Together

Food brings people together. Since the beginning of time, people have come together to share and enjoy food, and to take pleasure in preparing food for those who make up their community and those they love. Food and its preparation have come to represent friendship, comfort, support, love, and even passion. Food tends to be at the beginning, the middle, and the end of so many human experiences, including passion and romance, and we’re so glad it is.

The more natural the food we cook and eat, the closer it brings us to the earth (the Great Mother in many cultures) and the closer we are to the earth and its abundance, the closer we are to the Life Force and the magic it brings. And the closer we are to the magic of life, the more open we become to the deeper experiences of life, including deep love and wild and wonderful passion.

In this blog, we will explore many aspects of food and cooking and eating, and how all of that can help feed not only the body but also the soul.  And, of course, a well-nourished body can do remarkable things; and a well-nourished soul can express itself in ways that bring heaven and earth closer together.

We will offer special recipes, tips to make cooking more satisfying, suggestions for using cooking and baking as avenues of self-expression, and the preparing and sharing of good food as a path to a greater and more sensual range of experiences.  And more sensual experiences can lead to……………….many lovely things.

Only One Day to Focus on Love – Really?

I appreciate Valentine’s Day, I really do.  A whole day with love and romance as its focus – a lovely idea.  But what if we had that same focus every day – always remembering the power of love in our lives, the power of love to change things for the better, the remarkable ways people can transform when they love and are loved?  How would that consistent focus change us, our communities, and the planet?  

It’s absolutely possible to do what we need to do each day while remembering and being present to the love in our lives.  And when we remember to love and to allow ourselves to be loved, the things we do each day get done much better.

Cooking is a great example.  It’s easy, especially in the course of busy days filled with responsibilities and expectations, to lose sight of some of the most important, most powerful and often small pockets of joy in our lives.  Like the amazing number of ways that cooking and baking offer joy, amazement, and even passion, ways we can become numb to over time. But when we are numb, we lose the possibility of awe and delight, and life without awe and delight quickly begins to feel empty.

Cooking, when done in a present and mindful way, is a feast for the senses.  Just like when we experience love, cooking can open us to an extraordinary range of experiences; but to have those experiences we must be present and aware.  Here’s what I mean – every time we cook or bake we are offered an almost unlimited number of sensual (meaning “of the senses”) experiences, but we are often too distracted to notice and participate in these experiences.

For example, what have you been missing when you cook?  The visual stimulation, the colors, shapes, and mingling of ingredients; the sound of oil beginning to sizzle as ingredients start to soften and to come together to create something larger than any of them individually; how it feels to slice or chop, to release the aromas that tease your senses as you prepare ingredients to mingle and merge with each other. The changing aromas as ingredients move from raw to softened to ready. And the tastes, oh, the tastes! This party for the senses can be excellent preparation for other experiences that are, also, gifts for your senses if you choose to put all distractions aside briefly and to focus on what each of your senses is inviting you to learn and to enjoy.

This Valentine’s Day, as you wrap a gift for a loved one or cook and bake to give pleasure to someone you love, remember the power of being present and delighting in each step in the process.  Open yourself and your senses to joy, and watch as that joy begins to change everything.